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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27164272">finally see what it means to be living</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/brawler/pseuds/brawler'>brawler</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dead Space (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>First Time, M/M, Post-DS3, Trans Male Character, ignoring most of awakened again bc i hate it!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:33:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27164272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/brawler/pseuds/brawler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting back to Earth had never been a thought that crossed either of their minds, but miraculously, here they were. Isaac isn't really sure what to think of it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>John Carver/Isaac Clarke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>finally see what it means to be living</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Isaac didn't know what to expect when they finally got back to Earth, but having sex in the cheapest hotel room they could find after they landed and shucked their damaged, gore-stained suits off definitely wasn’t something he was counting on.</p><p>Still, he figured it made sense with everything they’d been through. After narrowly scraping by with both their lives despite the astronomical odds stacked against them, here they were — alive and back home with all their limbs attached, and more remarkably, with both their minds still in one piece.</p><p>Maybe it was a sort of reminder for the both of them. Like an anchor reassuring them that what they were feeling was real, that they were both still alive. Isaac realised very suddenly how long it’d been since he was last held like this, how much he missed the sound of a heartbeat that wasn’t his own. </p><p>And he thinks it’s kind of funny that he keeps replaying the events of the last few days over and over in his head, especially at a time like this, but he finds it incredibly hard to believe he’s really still here. His mind keeps wandering back to waking up to the shrill beeping of his alarm, to the tired, staggered walk up to his cracked mirror in his dingy little apartment bathroom back on the New Horizons colony, to the scowling visage of Carver staring back at him instead of his own reflection to ask him what the fuck he’s doing, before Isaac comes to his senses first and reveals that they were somehow both still alive and trapped underground in some chasm, instead of in their apartments like they'd thought just moments prior.</p><p>He should be dead. They both should have died on that planet along with everyone else. He wonders if it did actually happen, that if what he’s experiencing now is some kind of dream his mind’s thrown up to shelter him during his last few minutes as he lies bleeding out in the snow or crushed under rubble somewhere. But Carver’s skin is warm, and the hands that hold his waist as he grinds down into him are calloused with scars, and the muscle on his back is tight and firm as Isaac drags his nails over it, pushing back up against him to match his rhythm. </p><p>It seems plausible, but Isaac isn’t so convinced his mind would deter the reality of his own death with a fantasy as decadent as this one, considering all his other visions have been so horrible. Carver’s tongue is on his skin now, wet and hot, his mouth working up the plain of his neck as he kisses him, up to the shell of his ear. He bites it softly, playfully, but still purposeful enough that it causes Isaac to gasp and momentarily shake the thought of their deaths from his mind. Carver takes that as a kind of invitation, moving his mouth back to his neck to repeat the process of biting and sucking to leave little rose-coloured bruises blossom along the pale skin there. </p><p>Isaac mewls quietly, a noise he previously wasn’t aware he could make, and cranes up into Carver’s touch, almost too overwhelmed. He’s getting dangerously close now, and Carver can feel him tighten around him in anticipation. </p><p>How the hell were they going to explain what happened? They managed to sneak down to the surface using the clearance of the Unitologist dropship they’d found back on Tau Volantis, but Isaac was technically still a fugitive. He wasn’t exactly someone the government nor the church would forget about easily. </p><p>“What are we gonna do if people start asking? If people recognise me?” Isaac voices this concern to Carver, who’s still sucking on his neck, and his voice is breathy. </p><p>“We’ll just have to keep our heads down,” Carver replies, taking a brief pause from kissing him only to talk. “Markerheads are still warring with what's left of Earthgov so as long as you don’t make yourself obvious I think that’ll be the more pressing concern for now.”</p><p>Sounds simple enough. Isaac relaxes, though the thought that he’ll likely be going back into hiding doesn’t exactly fill him with much relief. At the very least he knows he won’t be alone. </p><p>Carver kisses along his jawline before their lips lock. Isaac moans into him, his toes curling as he comes, his vision suddenly splattered with stars. For a moment he feels like he can’t breathe, as Carver thrusts against him a few more times, more frantic, following up with his own orgasm. Carver dips his head and groans when it happens, a rough, guttural kind of noise that’s right beside Isaac’s ear. </p><p>Isaac looks at Carver as he stares back breathlessly. He reaches his hands up, cups them around his face, runs his thumb along the edge of the scars that stretch from his lips up across his cheek, and he smiles. He’s real. He’s real, he’s real, he’s real. The markers were gone. The moon was dead. They killed it together, let it unceremoniously crash down onto the planet’s surface. He has no reason to believe any of this was fake, but he still can't shake the idea. After so many years of grief could he really be that lucky?</p><p>Maybe he really was just in disbelief. Carver hadn’t exactly done anything to suggest he was into him, at least anything that Isaac ever managed to notice, but it's not like Carver was the sort of person to make any of his feelings obvious to anyone. Isaac definitely felt heat rush to his ears whenever he saw the roll of Carver’s shoulders any time he stepped out of a suit kiosk in some new fit that clung to his body in all the right places, or when he faltered behind and let Carver take the lead for a while, the shape of his back and waist being the only things ahead of him that he could focus on. Maybe Carver did notice. Maybe all this wasn’t such a surprise after all. </p><p>They end up lying there for a while, panting and sated, letting the sweat cool on their skin as they come down from their high together. </p><p>Isaac’s still thinking about the past few days. His head is resting on Carver’s chest now. They’ve been silent for a while, listening to each other’s breathing and the dull hum of traffic from outside in the dark of the room. </p><p>“You ever think you'd survive any of that?” Carver asks eventually. Isaac thinks he must be a mind reader. </p><p>“No,” Isaac says. “There were so many times I thought I was gonna die. So many times I could have died. Find it hard to believe we actually managed to pull any of that off.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Carver says softly. </p><p>Just like Isaac, Carver expected that journey to be one-way only. Fulfilling Damara’s research was the only goal he had left. To live past it was not something he was prepared for, nor was it something he was hoping would ever actually happen. But it did, and now he knows he’ll have to adjust. And it’s a scary thought, really — having to get his life back together when so much of it crumbled and fell apart behind him, but lying here now, he knows being alone won’t be something he’ll have to worry about either. </p><p>Carver’s hand comes to rest at the back of Isaac’s head, softly massaging his fingers into his hair. Isaac paws at the thick dark hair on Carver’s chest for a moment, admiring it, then wraps his arm around him, moving his head so his ear is better positioned to listen to the gentle steady thump of his heart. It’s comforting. Another reminder he’s alive.</p><p>The sheets are a mess now, but they’ll deal with that later. Carver’s only got enough credits to afford them a couple more nights at this place, but that’s a problem they can figure out when the time comes. Worse things have happened, after all. All Isaac wants now is rest. </p><p>And he wonders, as he listens to Carver's breathing soften and level out and he feels his own body start to relax, what kind of dream he’ll have. He wonders whether it will be distorted and violent, full of those broken, shambling bodies and long metal corridors, with blood and gore the same colour as the glowing, pulsating script on the markers that have haunted him for so long, or if he’ll dream of better things — like a future to look forwards to that seems finally within his grasp. A future where the nightmare’s over, a future where he feels like he can finally let himself begin to heal. Getting back to any kind of normalcy after so long is going to be a hurdle he knows he'll stumble and fall over, but the idea that he won't be doing it by himself is enough to push that fear of the unknown straight to the back of his mind.</p><p>Maybe tonight all those contorted faces he sees when he closes his eyes will forgive him. Maybe they’ll finally let him sleep. </p><p>He knows it’s the least he deserves after all these years.</p>
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